just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
