Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
