I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
