Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
