if only i could text you this smell
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
