Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Four minutes until I can fart!
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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