saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
