it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
If that was your dad, he is hot
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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