its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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