upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
