Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
my liver is dry heaving
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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