Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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