Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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