yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
