He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
