i jhust puked up my retainher.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
