im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
