You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
