I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I did not marry a roomba.
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