I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
