my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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