the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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