she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
