I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
