i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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