My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
