I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
