Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
