tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
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