i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
