His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
