i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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