Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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