Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
