I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
