Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
