I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
