My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
