meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
