Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
