Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
