You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
