My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
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First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
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Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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