How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
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