I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
