Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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