Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
