haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
