Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
