Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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