The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.