I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.