My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
They should really pass out barf bags in church
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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