I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
