You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
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I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
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You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today