my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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