just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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