Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
