Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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