if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
