I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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